


Responsible Retconning Is Overrated

by Laurasauras



Series: AO3 Anniversary Flash Fiction [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Retcon Powers, fanfic giveaway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-04 19:23:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15847761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: John finally watched the SBaHJ series. Thankfully, he has the ability and lack of sense required to go to alpha Dave's universe and get revenge on the director himself!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Meister (CruelInsanity)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CruelInsanity/gifts).



> Anonymous said:  
> Hey, I'd really like to see a small fic where John (beta session) meets Dave (alpha session). If that's something you'd feel inclined to write, that is.
> 
> (Requested by [ Meister](https://ultistes-meister.tumblr.com/))

You're working the line in a fairly standard way, signing shit at random and looking up to somewhat smile at whoever is holding the paper or poster or boobs, when you freeze in the middle of your signature.

'Dude, are those Groucho glasses?' you ask.

The guy behind the ridiculous face nose/glasses combo grins so wide you actually worry that it must be hurting his cheeks, and then all of a sudden you're ducking on reflex hard won from years of martial arts training and the pie he flings faceward flies over your head and hits your security chick instead. 

You burst out laughing, if only because it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever seen, and you've directed the most stupid movies to ever have been made. You scan the crowd for the guy, but he's gone. You are seriously impressed that he even managed to weave his way through such a tight crowd, but even if he just ditched the shitty disguise, you'd remember those eyes.

'Groucho!' you call. 'God damn, man, I want to shake your hand!'

Your security team ushers you away from the crowd and the danger of projectile pastries before anyone can show you where he got to.

When you get home, exhausted from having to be "on" all day, you almost just collapse in your entryway and take a nap there. The thought of Rose catching you having a strategic power-faint forces you to move. You go straight to your room and dive face first onto the bed. 

Something crunches under your chest and you roll over to see what you forgot to clear off your bed. You're usually pretty neat. 

It's a pair of Groucho glasses. 

You leap to your feet and then drop to the ground, reaching under your bed for your sword, grabbing it, standing again, ready stance, all done completely on instinct and faster than is safe. Faster than most humans can do. You scan your room and see the guy, those blue eyes wide with surprise (but not fear) behind glasses almost as thick as the ones on your bed. 

He's just standing there, you don't even think he was hiding, your dumb ass just happened to be completely oblivious on the entry.

'Hey,' he says, smiling uncertainly and giving a little wave. 

You notice the movement shows that he's unarmed. You don't relax. 

'I didn't mean to freak you out!' he says. 'God, John, stupid, stupid, dumb!'

He palms his forehead in an exaggerated gesture. You relax slightly. He's not giving off batterwitch vibes. Crazy fan vibes, maybe, but you don't think he's here to assassinate you.

'I kinda goofed and forgot you weren't my Dave!' he says. 'He's really better with the time thing than I am.'

You almost drop your sword in surprise. Instead you flashstep over to him, throwing caution out the window like you want nothing to do with it anymore because apparently playing normal doesn't matter with this guy. You hold your sword carefully close to his neck.

'What the fuck,' you say.

'And I've goofed again!' he says, as if you aren't threatening his life. 'Duh, you're not just the creator of the worst movies ever, you're the revolution!'

'Kid, you're gonna wanna start talkin',' you say, as if he isn't five years younger than you at most. 

He grins apologetically.

'Sorry, I'm not making much sense. I'm from another universe! And your future kid came to my universe and brought all your movies and made me watch them! And I was like, Dirk, I know good movies, okay, and this is no  _Mac and Me_. And then he made me watch  _aaaaall_ of them and I was so cross because they're  _soooooo_ dumb and pranking my Dave wasn't good enough! And then you dodged my pie back there, so I thought, I'll just woosh in here and get you, but ... uh ... I forgot that this universe isn't used to having a god who can just pop in wherever for the sake of a sweet prank.'

'I'm gonna stab you now,' you tell him, just as a courtesy.

You swing your sword, but John just ... dissolves. You jump backwards just in time to watch him reform a couple of feet away.

'Please tell me that in your universe  _Mac and Me_  is somehow not one of the worst movies ever created,' you say. You're not sure your ego can handle that comparison on top of all this other nonsense. 

'Oh, it's criminally underrated there too!' he says, shaking his head ruefully. 

You sigh and sit on your bed, sword still loosely in your hand. He sits down next to you and bumps his shoulder into yours like you've been friends for years.

'Wanna come prank Rose with me while I'm here?' he says.

Maybe he's not so bad. 

'I really do,' you say.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ultistes-meister said:  
> Beta John and Alpha Dave, nsfw. I can't believe I forgot about this one before. And hey, I'm learning not to make it anon!

Five hours deep into the movie marathon and four hours deep into ironically resting your head on John's shoulder, he fidgets underneath you. You pull away so you can look at his expression over your shades. He looks like he's about to say something. He won't meet your eyes, which is annoying, considering for the past week he's been giving you too much eye contact and you've only just acclimatised to this guy who's your best friend in another universe and who treats you like of course that carries over to this one. 

You take off your shades, a sure way to get attention, you've found. It works, his eyes lock with yours. He takes a deep breath and you lean in as if that will make him say whatever is so important it has him nervous. 

He kisses you. 

You're fucking shocked. You're fucking turned on. You have no idea what to do with those feelings, so you settle for at least responding to the kiss, moving your lips against his and tangling your fingers in his messy hair. 

He makes a tiny noise against your lips when he opens his mouth and you take the invitation to tilt your head and kiss him deeper. He climbs into your lap, pressing your bodies close and kissing you again. God. He feels  _amazing_ against you. You slip your hands under his shirt and pull him even closer. 

He breaks the kiss before you're ready, and stares at you with an intensity in his eyes that makes you think that even if you hadn't exploited his bona fide superpowers all week to play dumb jokes on people, you wouldn't doubt his divinity. He looks like a god, like someone who could take apart the world and just might do it. You have no idea what percentage of your boner is due to fear, but you're  _fine_ with it. 

'I don't do this,' he says. 'I don't  _want_  people. I've tried it and it's not me, I've come to terms with it.'

'Okay,' you say. 

He doesn't move to kiss you again. He just stares at you like he's going to devour you. You have no idea if you mean that metaphorically or not. 

'I'm not exactly opening my bed to just anyone,' you tell him. 'I ...'

You trust him. You trust him more than anyone except Rose and you've known him a week. You've slept with people, obviously, but you've never  _slept_  with anyone, never trusted your unconscious body to rest easy in a room with another person. Not since you were a kid and it couldn't be helped. 

'Dave,' he says, stroking your cheek. You lean into his touch. You always lean into his touches. Damn, when did you get like this?

'Do you want me?' you whisper.

He kisses you instead of answering, grinding his dick against yours. You grip his hips as his powers flare around you, blue and white and cold, and you go from sitting on the couch to lying in your bed. He grinds against you again and you can't help it, you burst out laughing. 

'What?' he asks, annoyed.

'I'm going to fuck god!' you say, in between giggles. 'I'm going to fuck god!'

'You're going to  _get_  fucked by god,' John corrects, grinning at you. 

You force yourself to stop laughing. This is not a laughing matter. And then you start again because that was the worst pickup line anyone has ever used on you (and people tend to assume bad pickup lines will be effective on you so you've heard a lot) and it is absolutely going to work. 

'Dave,' John says, his voice perfectly controlled even though his eyes are wonderful and smiling. He can suppress laughter like nobody else you've ever met, all the better to not give away an oncoming prank. 'You're laughing away my boner.' 

You actually can't breathe, you're curling up underneath him as if you can protect your ribs from your laughter and you're gasping, he's so perfect. You're never letting him go back to his universe. 


End file.
